HEARING MY OWN VOICE
Crater Lake
As our world changes right before our eyes, we are all still putting one foot in front of the other trying to navigate the path forward. For me writing has always been my way to release anxiety and tension. Please don’t mistake this as me ignoring what is going on, as I read and listen to all that is out there I am continuing to do what I need to do and write here as well.
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By now, a lot of you have listened to my interview on Adoptees On that I did a couple of weeks ago. It was a very fun thing to do, and now that I am past it, I can say that. Prior to the interview, I was very nervous and anxious about it. Even though I had listened to Haley interview many people, I was still jittery about it. I knew her style of interviewing and felt safe with her. Nevertheless, my nerves were there. My feelings of what do I have to share were huge. Wondering what do I have to offer that is different and new. My story is only a little unique I feel and even though I have shared it in small bits on here and in groups I am involved with I felt like I should share my story on a larger scale, even though the thought scared me.
My wife and some of my friends will attest to my anxiety around the interview. I wrote out my birth/reunion story and even though I had told it many times in groups as a snippet, I am not sure I ever told it the way I told it on the podcast, in long form with almost all of the details. I rehearsed what I wanted to say, as the timeline was necessary in my mind to have it make sense.
I felt like I was going to be interviewed by adoptee royalty, as that is what Haley is to me, much the same as when I met Anne Heffron and Pam Cordano the first time.
In the time that it took from the interview to the day it aired, I was worried about how I sounded and how my story would be received. I rehashed the conversation Haley and I had, what we talked about and how I answered her questions. I wondered what had we talked about, as I couldn’t remember everything. I questioned myself mercilessly about what I had said, listened to others podcasts and hoped I sounded that good.
I am a shy person and saying yes to the interview was huge. I usually have no problem talking your ear off about myself, but that is only once I get to know you. I have never been interviewed before (besides a job here and there) and what the heck was I doing? crossed my mind several times. I had several times texted friends and said exactly that. Other questions I posed were what if it doesn’t go well? What if I don’t sound ok? My friends would humor me and say how could it not go well, you will be fine. Don’t worry.
When Haley and I sat down to talk, I hadn’t slept well the night before because I kept thinking up all kinds of scenarios that could happen and what could go wrong. I laid out the towels on the hardwood floors and put a towel at the door for sound purposes in my makeshift office. I find podcasts that have wonky sound irritating and Haley had given some ideas to make it sound better. I gave myself a few minutes before the interview to meditate and calm down.
In my mind, the interview went awesome; talking to Haley was like talking to an old friend and after only a minute it felt like we were just catching up, that’s how good she is.
The Friday morning after the interview was live, which by the way I didn’t sleep well that night either, I was doing what I normally do, got on the elliptical and listened to Haley do her interview. With me!! At first, I cringed when I heard my own voice but as the interview went on I found myself listening as if I had never heard the story before, let alone lived it. I was only able to listen to about half before it was time to get coffee, shower and start work.
A friend texted me and asked how I felt. The first thing I said was I was felt very proud of myself. I usually will find all kind of fault with anything I do and find a way to criticize myself. I realized that was exactly how I felt….Pride. I had done something very out of character and very anxiety ridden for me. I felt brave!
Since the interview, many of you have reached out to me, said some nice things and have been supportive. For that, I am appreciative, there is nothing like validation and I feel like I have done some good for someone else as well as myself. We can help each other heal.
The adoptee life we live is not often understood by people that are not adopted. There are a few non-adopted people that I have let into my journey; I appreciate their support even though my abandonment issues and insecurities are hard to comprehend sometimes. This is also part of my process, putting myself out there in small ways to people that want to understand.
Finding a community and friendships in which we can appreciate each other’s stories and hear what others have to say has been the essential piece for me as well.
It is amazing to be seen by people that have had similar experiences. To have them understand where you have come from. We all don’t have the same story, we share a common wound which brings us together.
If you have not heard the podcast, here is the link. Thanks for listening and thanks as always, for reading
http://www.adopteeson.com/listen/144
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