IF IT COMES LET IT, IF IT GOES LET IT

I came across this meme when I had first found my sister and was waiting for her to call me. It was taking forever for her to find time and I am not a patient person when I am waiting. The phrase made me feel like I had some control over the situation. I now wonder why I was conforming to her schedule and waiting for her. That is another story for another time.

I had found my sister in the summer of 2018 through DNA. I had heard 19 years earlier that I had a sister somewhere out there that was biological to me. What a wonderful, mysterious, weird thing to have a sister. I had grown up with a brother that I was not biologically related to and we have never been close, so having a sister was intriguing to me. 

My biological father had mentioned offhandedly when we spoke in 2000 that he had heard he had another daughter, he told me where he thought she lived and how old he thought she was. Nothing was definite and nothing to search for her by. We spoke for a half hour and not again for 19 years, neither of us trying.

I did a little searching for my sister over the years, put ads in the paper in the city he said she lived in. Nothing. If she was not looking for me and he had no other details then how would I ever find her? I dreamed of what it would be like to have a sister, would we be close? Would we look alike? Would there be a bond?  the kind that I had always dreamed of having with another person that was biological to me? 

I continued to dream and wonder. Until DNA. I took the test and when the results came in there were many names, only one was close in centimorgans and very few were ones I recognized. The sister of my birth mother, my aunt, was the closest. I checked my DNA daily, waiting.

One day the end of June, I got a hit. Not a sister but a half niece, this could be the key. I messaged her and no answer for a couple of weeks. Later I would find out that they were on a road trip with not a lot of access. When she got home, she messaged me and same day put me in touch with my sister. It was July 3rd. Wow! I was overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings. I wanted to talk immediately but best to be a little cautious. We messaged back and forth and said we would talk soon. 

This turned into weeks of trying to find time to talk. She said it was going to be a morning sometime soon, so I adjusted my schedule to get up earlier and built in time in case it was before work. The call didn’t come for weeks, I thought the worst, she didn’t want to talk to me, she didn’t have time for me, and why was I so full of angst over this? I had waited 20 years for this, I could wait, right?

Finally the call came. I was driving to work in late July, I ended up talking to her for 20 minutes in the parking lot. It was a dream come true. I could have talked all day but neither of us had time that day. We have called each other only a few times in the years since and three visits. The first visit we had she came to my city and we had one afternoon all to ourselves. It was glorious, we walked, we had coffee, we saw the water and best of all we talked. It was as if we had always known each, not awkward, not strained, not nervous like I am usually meeting new people. It was easy. 

Last year when the date was set to meet our biological father, she came here so we could both meet him together for the first time. She stayed with us, which was wonderful. We could stay up late and enjoy coffee together in the morning. It’s very hard when there is so much distance between us.  We still are in touch but it is nothing of the relationship I had dreamed of. The sister I had longed for, the relationship I had waited for. It’s not enough. It’s hard to want more from her and not get it. We both have families, we both have jobs, we have commitments that make a regular talk difficult and there is the different time zone issue as well.  Maybe it will be different in the future, only time will tell.

For now, I am appreciating that I know her. I know where she lives and if I want to, I can pick up the phone and call her. 

If it comes let it, if it goes let it

Thanks as always for reading, 

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