ADOPTION IS THE NEW GAY

I came across this idea the other day while talking with friends. 

It has always seemed to me that being an adoptee has been similar feelings for me as the secret of being gay.

I feel qualified to talk about this because I am both gay and adopted. 

It has happened to me so many times when I have told someone that I am gay or that I have a wife, that I get oh yeah my cousin is gay or my friends, uncles brother is gay. It’s as if people have to qualify it and seem like they “know “what its like to live in the world as a LGTBQ person. For myself, I can only speak to being a lesbian, straight woman and an adoptee. I pretended to be straight for 33 years until I could no longer lie and be something I wasn’t. Oh and I had a girlfriend and a son, age seven that I was setting an example for, so there was that as well.

Back to my story, I was at the doctor yesterday and we started talking about dna and what we inherit from our parents. She mentioned that her whole family had done dna for the ethnicity part of it. I made a comment that I had done it because I was adopted and was looking for family members. Of course, she wanted to know if I found anyone through the dna results. We ended up talking about it for quite a long time. Longer than a doctor normally stays in the room with you, for sure.

Next thing I know she is telling me about two friends of hers that have very different adoptee stories, finding their bio family and similar stories like those that we all have. It was interesting to hear the differences in the stories and we talked about mine a little. What was refreshing to hear was her say “that unless you are adopted you can’t possibly know what it’s like to be adopted, there is so much to it,” she said. I agreed with her and said it comes with many mixed emotions. 

It has resonated with me that she didn’t flinch at any of what I was saying. Maybe she hears about patients’ lives a lot so almost nothing is a surprise to her. I have often felt and maybe because I am not a 20 something, but talking about my wife or that I am married always feels like I am coming out over and over again. Constantly wondering what the person is thinking and is this going to be ok. I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but back in the day it wasn’t cool to be gay, sometimes I feel stuck on that. Real harm could come to you by coming out to the wrong person.

Facing the trauma of adoption is so similar to me as coming out as gay. The secrecy of being gay, fear of people finding out, the shame, and the pain. I could not just come out to anyone; so many times, it never felt safe. I hid who I was with. Couldn’t show any kind of affection in public. Even now, there are times that I feel I am coming out every time I say I have a wife. You never know who you are talking to. 

There are many of the same feelings with adoption as well. I have always felt like there was something wrong with me, in the way that I processed things, knowing that its adoption trauma related helps a lot. I felt a lot of shame when I was a kid and could not talk about being adopted except at home in a limited way. It was a huge secret and I felt like if I let out the secret I would be in trouble. 

Adoption is the new gay means putting adoptee feelings on the forefront 

This means having our original birth certificates.

This means not having the door slammed in our face when all we want is health information. 

This means knowing where and who we come from. 

The secrecy needs to go.