WHY I BLOG ANONYMOUSLY
I thought I would talk about this because well, it bothers me a little. It bothers me in the way I feel like I have to be anonymous but I also want to.
I will just cut to the chase, it’s because of my parents and how I want to shield them from pain, much the same they tried to do for me as a child. I love them and they would not understand at this point in their lives why I am suddenly (not really) having issues with my being adopted.
They were the best parents I could have imagined having. As much as I would have loved knowing my bio mother, I am not sure from what I have heard about her she would have been a good mother, but who knows, I was the first she gave away and maybe that changed her, how could it not.
Back to my parents, I had a great childhood, I was afforded everything I wanted on a school teachers and banker’s salaries, which was frugal but comfortable. I could have gone to college if I wanted to and had the grades. School just wasn’t my thing and my parents supported my year of community college in floristry, of all things. For the most part I got to do what I wanted and they were there with me. I always knew the topic of my adoption was tender waters for my mom. I could feel it then and still do now whenever it comes up.
When I told her that I found my bio mother in 2000 this was not good news to her. I could feel the nervousness from her, when I really wanted her to be excited for me, was dread for her. Her fears that she had my whole life were coming true. She was waiting for me to leave her now. Waiting for me to go off with this new family and make a new life. No matter what I said didn’t make it any easier for her to understand that I just needed to know who they were. I had no intention to move to their city and leave all I had ever known behind. But her fear and anxiety were something that was real for her and I felt in my empathetic body.
I relived this all again when in 2018 I located my half-sister, she was coming for a visit and going to be at our family Sunday dinner. All over again fear and anxiety. What did they do wrong, why aren’t we enough? I am sure some of it was my uneasiness as well as it was necessary for me to tell her, but it was definitely not comfortable. I don’t want them to hurt, I don’t want them to worry. I am their go to when things head south with their health or their house. If they think I am going to disappear this will consume them negatively, my mom mostly.
So yes, I am protecting them. I don’t want to have to explain this all to them and really, could I where they could understand? I really don’t think so. My mom would have a ton of questions that would not serve a purpose to have her get the honest answer.
They did exactly what they were told to do 57 years ago. They told my brother and I their scripted story from as early as I can remember. They took care of us to the best of their ability and have supported us throughout our lives. They were good parents.
Truth is I feel for the adoptive parents of the world, they had a hard job. It’s not easy being around an adopted child that doesn’t quite fit the puzzle of the family. I made it easy for my parents sometimes and challenging at others, still do in fact. I threw them curve balls throughout my childhood and I expected them to catch them every time. They did but sometimes they were caught off guard. Both of my parents were not raised talking things out, so how would they deal with a daughter that has to talk things out endlessly. They didn’t.
So, there you have it. Why my name is not attached to this blog. Why, for now, I am doing this anonymously. I have stories to share that I think are important to share. It’s hard enough to be adopted. I have felt alone most of my life with the stuff that’s in my head. It’s crazy making. I don’t want others to feel the same way. We can help each other.
Thanks for reading and I appreciate your understanding.