Funny, not funny
I wrote this about a year ago when I had to really look at how I participated in predicting and creating the end of something, in this situation this is about my own marriage. I think as adopted people we really don’t believe that we are worthy so we sabotage relationships. I know I have done this in the past. I know that not only adopted people do this, there are many of us who don’t feel worthy or valued. What I found to be true is that it starts with me, I have to show myself value to expect someone to value me. At 58, I am just now feeling like I can let someone love me and maybe let my guard down.
I used to joke about getting divorced and how long it would take my wife to finally leave me for a more relaxing/ no drama life. A part of me thought it was funny to joke about the inevitable outcome that she would leave our marriage. Like she would finally get sick of my abandonment issues, my constant hurt feelings, all the effort it took to have a simple conversation and be done with me.
It is sad for me to admit that really I believed this story I played in my head. When we would plan anything that was out a few months on the calendar, I would joke “well I have at least until this vacation is over before she leaves me”. I accepted this thought process as normal because I really thought it would happen one day and who knew when that day it would be. I thought it wasn’t up to me, it was up to her.
In 1992, when I left my husband I took control of my situation, told him I was moving and our son would live with me. In this instance, I remember him not caring much and neither did I. I wanted out of a bad marriage and to start my own life. A big concern for me was my son not living with his father, but my sanity and happiness was worth more than that and I was providing more for our son than my husband was or ever would, I thought.
In my current relationship, it was as if I had no control and I was just waiting for her to make the decision for the both of us. We have a lot invested; there is a lot at stake. In the 21 years we have been together, we have four kids between us and five grandkids that all mean the world to us. All of this would change with a divorce. I watched my son and her kids go through our previous divorces and I didn’t want them to suffer again. I also don’t want a divorce. I love my wife and I love the life we have built.
It wasn’t until I was talking to a friend, who by the way, has a get to the point approach of asking the hard questions that you really do not want to answer but need to, that I realized what I was doing.
She asked me one day after I had made a joke “when do you think you will divorce?” I was caught off guard by the question and my answer was immediately “never”. My friend said “Really?” I was shocked by my quickness to answer this difficult question. We didn’t talk about it any further and went on to other things. This conversation has stuck with me ever since.
Was I determining my fate by always putting that energy out there like that? Was I making my marriage fail by assuming we would divorce? I decided in that moment that I would stop making the jokes, stop talking about my marriage in a disparaging way, causing me to always think the worst would happen.
I knew deep down that my wife would never leave me. I know she loves me and I love her. Why couldn’t I believe it? The only things that she would leave me over were infidelity and or if I blew all of our money. Since I would never do either, deep down I felt like we were in it for the long haul. So why couldn’t I start thinking of it that way. Why could I trust that we would succeed?
She is never going to leave me and I know it. That sentence gave me the freedom to really feel it. If I stopped telling myself it was going to end and the wait for the other shoe to drop maybe I could believe that someone really loved me enough to stay and we would be together for many more years.
This hasn’t been always easy to talk myself into. To stop the narrative that I have been telling myself for years is hard. I am working on it and it is a constant battle.
I am thankful to my friend for asking me the question that made me realize I am worthy of being loved and I can stop my negative talk.
Thanks, as always for reading.
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