TAKING THE STEPS
I ordered return address labels for my wife and me a couple of weeks ago. This was a long time coming.
I had finished our Christmas cards this year and once again, the only labels available were the ones with just my wife’s name on them. All these years I just used the free labels you get for donating money to a charity, you know the ones. This year I had had enough. I was ordering labels right away even if I didn’t use them until next years cards.
I realized (thanks to a friend) that I have lived with labels all my life. Adopted, lesbian, mom, daughter, wife the list is endless. This is part of the reason it is a huge deal, I need to be connected to her, attached and this is one way of doing it.
Why had it taken me 13 years of living in this house to get these ? What I came up with was that I finally felt secure in the relationship to order them. She was staying and I was staying. This was not a question for either one of us really, the time just keeps going on and soon, its 21 years you have together and you have made a life.
Seems funny I know, most adoptees will likely understand. I have always had the fear of relationships ending. Disappearing. I have constantly lived with this thought. Not just romantic relationships, friendships as well. As if, the other person has all the control. I have some choice in the matter as well, and I have chosen to stay.
This may seem silly to non-adoptees, but think of it, for most of us our first important relationship was severed immediately as swiftly as the umbilical cord was cut we were left behind at the hospital. The years that followed were made up stories about how we were so loved that we were given away to families we don’t look like or act like. Is that our version of love?
I ordered the labels, our labels, both our names on them.
I did debate when ordering do I really need these. $20 was it worth it? I decided yes they mean something to me and I want these. We have 500, this should last us for the several years we have in this house.
Sometimes I have to face what I am afraid of, disconnect and separation. I have to trust that my wife will stay and that if she doesn’t I will be ok. I deserve commitment, hope and promise but in order to get that I have to provide it as well to her.
Thank you, as always for reading,
Follow me on Instagram at theinvisiblethreads and lgbtqadoptees