Vulnerability and Friendship
Last December I committed to a class, a group for a year. Tonight is the final zoom meeting with these lovely people that have become my friends. Every Wednesday night for two hours we worked on ourselves and answered hard questions. Most of the time it was exhausting and gut wrenching but necessary work. It took me half the year to finally realize why on Thursdays I was so tired. Emotional work is the most draining work for me. Sharing this safe space with all of these people has grown me in a way I will never be able to explain fully.
I learned so much about myself and how I feel and what I need that I am guessing nothing will ever compare. In a year the group has shared laughter, sadness, tears and anxiety sometimes all in the same night. We provided a place for us where we could be seen and heard, we were witnesses for each other and our truths.
What I learned about myself is that large groups such as this are difficult for me and I want to run away, staying and sharing was the hard part every night. Every Wednesday I would remind myself that this was the day, every day at 4, I would sign into my zoom account and take a deep breath. I didn’t know what was coming, we had monthly topics and most of the time we stuck to it. We had leaders that were there to guide us and keep it a safe, healing space. I stayed, in spite of the size of the group, I talked about my anxiety over that, brought it out to the open. I wouldn’t quit, I couldn’t, deep inside I knew I needed this and I knew I could not walk away from my friends that I had a feeling needed me to be there too. I had made the commitment, through thick and thin.
One of the things that I realized about myself was that I like to tell jokes when I get nervous, I told myself this was not the place and no matter how uneasy I felt I would stay with the feeling and do the work. It made me go deeper, forget being funny and buckle down. One of the nights was telling other all the things we liked about a person. We were assigned two people. I was terrified, not about what I had to say about another because I knew I paid attention and could say heartfelt, meaningful things about how I saw people, but what would they say about me, that was the scary part. What the person said about me was astonishing and fulfilling, they really saw me and who I really strive to be. It made me think that this made up person in my head is not what I portray. People like me. It was life changing for me and after that I walked with my head a little higher over what I had heard.
When I went to an adoptee retreat 3 years ago, I have known I need safe adoptee spaces. While not all adoptees have had the same adoption experience, I have found that the feelings we hold inside are much the same due to the separation from our first mother and the lack of belonging in our new family. I have searched out adoptees to have friendships with. People that I can reach out to when that rabbit hole seems to appear out of nowhere.
Endings are hard, and while this group will try to stay together I feel, what has been 2021 is ending. I am indebted to the group that we made and look forward to the future whatever that may hold.
Find your community, you never know when you will need a life raft
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