Welcome to 2023 or Yahoo I finally wrote something

I have vowed to myself to get a blog post up in 2023 and hopefully more than one.  I know, I know, it has been over a year since I wrote and posted something.  I have been writing, just not finishing.  Well, that’s not completely true, I wrote two pieces and finished two pieces in 2022.  One was for a book I helped get published, The Flourish Experience with 23 authors from the year long group I participated in.  The other was our Christmas letter I sent with our photo cards. It’s been a full year without writing a lot and by July I was giving myself a break.  There is only so much that I can take on and beating myself up for not writing was not going to be one of them.  I still believe whole heartedly that writing heals, I have been healing in other ways.

The book, this was a process, I came to see myself in a whole new way.  I can organize, focus, hold writing meetings, stand up for what I believe and step back when it doesn’t feel right.  I am proud of myself and the other writers for the huge accomplishment we achieved.  While my writing in the book is not my favorite, it is true, and that is all I can ask myself for is truth. 

I also had my 60th birthday.  Due to some scheduling conflicts, we were not able to be out of town like I have in the past, so my wife suggested we have a party, it took a bit to say yes to that, in the end I have no regrets about honoring me! I invited all my favorite people near and far.  All in all, about 35 people came to help be celebrate.  There have been years that I have let the thoughts of what I lost on my birthday take over.  This year I decided to celebrate how far I have come, that I am damn lucky to be here, and I can be happy while still missing my mom.  I have spent years trying to destroy myself and beating myself up for my faults and imperfections.  I would like to say I am over it, but habits are hard to change and not being destructive to myself is still daily work for me.

In September, I splurged and bought tickets for my wife and I to see Teresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium.  I have been trying to see her for years and when I heard she was coming to Seattle I had to go.  My birthmother died at 59, no one knew she had a baby. My attempts to locate the people she lived with during her pregnancy have turned up nothing. It’s difficult to not have my details. This is the sham of adoption.  My history has been kept from me and this common practice.

 I was hoping that my birthmother would come through to Teresa and have something magical to say to me.  Of course, this is my adoptee self living in a fantasy world. A girl can hope right?  While I believe that Teresa is the real deal, she had nothing to say to me, I think she read 13 or so people and those people had lost their loved ones tragically.  It was heart warming to see her engage and tell people what their loved ones had to say to them.

Turning 60 really turned the lights on for me, I made it! I made it past the age my mother died and also I have a lot of physical aches and pains.  I believe much of this caused by my diet.  So in October I decided to go no bread, no sugar, and eliminate my already low alcohol and processed foods intake.  I have made my sleep a priority by going to bed at about the same time every night.  Its working!  I am thinking more clearly, have more energy and I have lost a little weight.  Its annoying at times, because I have to make everything that’s good for me.  If I have a craving for a flavor, I have learned to recreate it, thank you internet.

My time has also been spent helping my parents.  They are old and every time I see them, I feel like is this the last time?  Our roles are reversed now. She sends me a text when they are up in the morning and when they are driving somewhere. I make food for them, I do chores for them, I take them to doctor appointments, I coach them about safety, (stay off the ladder, ice your knee, eat more protein) I know it’s not easy for them, especially my mom.  She does not like to have boundaries or rules and has lived her life being a boss.  I am glad that for the most part she listens to me tell her about things that can hurt her.  I don’t want them to die in a hospital, where their visitors would be limited.  I want them to enjoy their home as long as they can.  Its hard to watch people diminish.  And its hard to not be in control of what the time looks like. 

Thanks for reading

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