SECONDHAND GIRL
A few weeks ago, we packed up the car with several boxes and bags of unneeded stuff to go to the secondhand store. Years ago, these were items that we or our kids could not live without and were absolutely wanted and needed. Now these must haves were going to the second hand store to get another home for other families to enjoy. It was a miracle that I could go through this much stuff to give away. I find it very hard to get rid of things, but as much as I like to keep things, I like the feeling of purging as well. So, off we went to donate these boxes of clutter.
This got me thinking about the things we need in the moment, we all have them. Things I swear that I always I will use. Years later deciding they aren’t so important after all and we give them away. I try to go by the rule if I haven’t looked for it in six months then I don’t really need it. I say try because the house is filled with things that I cannot part with. Things that bring back memories or remind me of another time in my life.
One big thing I have had a hard time parting with is my grandmother’s sewing machine, in a wood cabinet, it’s a piece of furniture and she sewed my mom’s clothes on it. It has one stitch, can only go forward by the machine, backwards is manual. I do not sew, but this is a keepsake, huge and heavy, but yet I can’t bear to send it off. Who would appreciate it? I feel like its hard to give away these memorable things.
This is how I have felt a lot of my life, a momentary pleasure and then months later unwanted and unnecessary, yet given a second chance at days old, significant and essential to the parents that are my family now.
A discount version of the child they may have had,
The second hand girl
The topic of my adoption never comes up naturally, so I have to create the conversation. All my life I had this vision, whether this was something they told me or one that I made up in my own head, I don’t know, but the vision I had was a row of bassinets all filled with babies, just days old. Out of all of these babies they picked me, because I had the same birthday as my grandmother. I recently asked my parents what the situation was when they “picked” me. The story was not what I had pictured at all, my mom said, it was me in the room, just one bassinet, just one baby, there was something comforting about that and then not so much. Did I want to be one of many, did I want to be the “chosen“ baby, or did I want to be the only one available at the time? It is something I have thought about because I grew up with this picture of many and now it was just one, me. My story has yet again changed.
The feeling of being not being enough, dismissed and better than nothing has improved over the years. It has taken many years of work to overcome these feelings. I have more of the feelings of usefulness, necessity and that I have value. I had to get it for myself rather than look for others to give it to me. I have had to find a way to love and appreciate myself for who I am and that has not always been easy.
I know where this comes from, “the always make myself useful and they won’t find any reason to get rid of me”. It’s kind of like Survivor for me. If a contestant can provide fish for the tribe, they have a much better chance not to be voted off. That’s been my approach to relationships, sadly.
In the time since spring of 2018, when I was coming out of the fog I have come far to realize that my value is not up to others. My value comes from me. I can catch fish for myself AND give it to others.
I hope one day that I will not feel as though have to prove my worth to anyone.
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