HOLDING IT TOGETHER

I have been working on writing something about anxiety and this virus. I have stopped and started no less than a dozen times. My writing process sometimes requires pure silence and other times headphones on and chaos around me. These last few weeks it has been different, my mind cannot keep up with all of the changes and I cannot focus on one thought for more than a few minutes. Everything is fleeting.

I am continually telling myself to stay in the moment and do what is in front of me. Unfortunately there is a lot to think about, many distractions. Do we have enough food?  Will I be able to work from home? How our kids are? and how are our grandkids? My parents however, are my main concern, mid 80’s and my dad has some lung issues.

When I was a kid, we took driving vacations all the time. At the time was not very fun. We had a huge green and white panel van with the big bench seats, which were not very comfortable. My dad was a schoolteacher, so we went in the heat of the summer to their favorite place, Arizona, the desert. We had a swamp box, (this was the 70’s after all, no ac) for those who don’t know this was a plastic box that plugged into the cigarette lighter. The idea was you put ice into it and it blew out cold air. This box sat between my brother and I on the seat, it would work for a while not very well, I remember always having to stop for ice and at some point, and my parents said no more ice. Deal with it. My mom would put washcloths in the cooler to put them on her neck to cool down as she always ran hotter than the rest of us. We also had the cooler full with fruit, bologna, mayonnaise, peanut butter, jelly and other things that we could eat en route to save money and cut down on the stops. It was so hot! Even rolling the windows down just made hot wind inside the van and the little pop out windows were useless. We would go every year for three yearsish and then they would save for a more expensive vacation for the 4thyear. 

Looking back, these road trips were a highlight of my childhood. It’s the reason why I love road trips.  It’s the reason why when my son was 11 we went on a 9-day road trip and hit all the places I went as a kid. It’s also the reason why I love funky little motels with a pool out front and I believe it’s why I love to drive.

Every year for the last 20ish my parents still go to Arizona. I think they missed one in all of those years and that is because my mom was having knee surgery. They have long since given up on driving and now fly for this month of sun and heat they love. This year was no different. Who knew 3 weeks ago the state our nation and world would be in? Surely, I didn’t nor did my parents. So, they went and we are now embarking on what feels like a rescue mission to go get them. I have been trained well for this. This is what all the childhood road trips were for. I am also a rescuer and a helper.

I face timed with my mom on Saturday and I could see this was upsetting to her. She already doesn’t sleep much and this, I knew was putting her over the edge, I could see it. We went over the ideas for getting them home, to include them in the decision, to give them the feeling of power I had a feeling she was lacking. I told them to think about it and that together we would figure this out they weren’t alone. 

Early Sunday morning my mom texted that she really appreciated the face time and that it made her feel better. She said the sooner the better to get a plan together. Even before they left she would say things like “its good to know you two have our backs” so I knew where they stood, they were depending on us. Some time Sunday, my wife had the idea that we should start from Seattle instead of us flying and we could take more of what we needed that we wouldn’t be able to fly with. 

My wife said I think they just need us to make the decision for them, that was when we decided on a road trip. We called them with the plan and my mom was relieved. I could see it in her face. 

We are leaving on Saturday for Arizona to get my mom and dad who feel very stranded and alone right now. They do not want to fly home and honestly, I don’t know if that is better or worse. All I know is that I need to get them. I am focused on what I need to do rather than what I should have done. We are renting a minivan at home and packing it full of all we may or may not need, hoping to control the environment for my elderly parents. I hope to stop at some of their favorite sites and my expectation is that a lot will be closed but I want to make it fun and memorable. How could it not be either of those?

I had one goal for this week and that was not to get sick. I have been taking my homemade elderberry syrup and all of my vitamins.  I have been working on my stress as well and that comes and goes. I have kept up my little exercise and meditation routine before work every day and sometimes that helps. I still get anxious; waiting a week to leave has me wrecked some days. But I feel like I was built for this. This is what my body has felt like for 57 years, survival mode.   I have always been a planner and a thinker (some would say and over thinker). This is almost calming to be able to put it to an action and do something, as crazy as that sounds. Though I am sure, many of you understand this feeling. 

The song that is on replay in my head this week is What’s up? By 4 Non Blondes

Be well my friends, thanks for reading