A CERTAIN KIND OF BROKENNESS
It’s coming around to my birthday again. What used to be a very fun time of year for me has been showing up with parts of grief and mourning as I recognize all that I have lost and will never have.
Yes, there is very much to be thankful for, another birthday means another year of health and life. I could make that list very long and I will spare you all that. Someday. Rest assured I am well aware there are many parts in my life that make me happy.
This post is about my mourning and brokenness I feel. I missed much in my early life that the world has taken for granted. When your mom goes on and on about the trip to the hospital, how she felt the days leading up to your birth and how it felt to hold you in those first hours. That story is missing from mine and I will never know it. I am happy for people that can tell that story because no one should miss these huge moments. My story starts at about the 18th day of my life when I was passed on to my parents and went on to live my life. There is so much that happens in 18 days. I have seen it in my son and grand babies. I think it was those 18 days that broke me. When love left me.
I try not to dwell on this but sometimes it just gets to me, usually around my birthday, I will be feel after next week.
I believe when my mom left the hospital without me something changed inside of me, a disconnect on the most important relationship life has to offer, mother/child. I have looked everywhere for something and someone to replace it throughout my life and there isn’t one, there will never be THAT one. I see what I am missing when I look at my son, I love him with everything that I have. I want that, I wanted that.
I am sad that I missed my chance to ask all the questions I now have. How could I have known what I would be seeking 20 years later? There is no one to ask now because the world made it an atrocity to get pregnant as a single woman and the mothers felt like they had no other option but to give their baby away. She only told two people that she was pregnant and neither were family members. They were people she babysat for so she didn’t have to go home.
I have questions that I deserve to have answers to. Deserving doesn’t equal getting.
I believe this broke her too, created a detachment for her as well. Thinking at 19 she had no other options, a baby would ruin her life, school and who knows whatever else. She decided not to turn to anyone for help. Her life was many marriages, a few more kids; she drank, got sick and died at 59.
I know there is a bit of me that is angry with her. We deserved more, better. Why wasn’t I worth it? Why didn’t she think she was worth it?
Last year I tried to get my questions answered, I even called the hospital I was born at to get her records, I filled out the paper as the oldest child ( because I am) of hers and requested them. I figured there might be something of interest in them. What I received back was nothing, the records from 1962 had been destroyed. That was my last idea I had to get answers.
I feel like the disconnect that happened on that day in 1962 fractured my ability to feel loved. I wonder about everyone that shows an ounce of care towards me and ask myself mercilessly if it’s true. I know it’s a self-worth issue, am I worthy of this persons attention? I can usually talk myself into it, but it never goes away. The questioning about am I good enough. I am better than years ago, I can recognize when I am starting to lose it and when I need to stop and check myself.
The good part is that my ability to love is intact, I can love. To receive is the hard part. That is where I am broken. Do I give what I wish I could receive? Yes.
This is so hard to put into words. I am going to keep trying, I have been writing about love all week. The only thing that seems to fit is my love switch is broken. Like its short-circuited somewhere.
This has taken me years to figure out and some days I feel as though I have nothing figured out. I am still that little baby in crib crying and flailing.
It’s so much work, and I am so tired.
I'll be disconnected a bit in my own way next week, meaning not much phone service.
Thanks for reading!
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