WHAT IF I KNEW I WAS GOING TO STAY?

From the time I can remember I knew I was adopted. The story we were told was that they went to a place and picked us out. I had a story and so did my brother. This was dinnertime conversation and I don’t remember ever having it anywhere else. I also don’t remember who started the conversation either. If it was my parents that just kind of looked at each other and thought its time or me that had questions and they rolled their eyes and thought again with this? Either way that’s where it was the kitchen, eating dinner, same story. 

I don’t remember being told anything else, like I grew in someone else’s belly or anything about what could have been a birthparent story. Not that they knew anything about my birthparents or would have risked talking about it.  So I was left to my own devices, my brain. I remember working up all kinds of scenarios. Who had me? What did they look like and were they coming back for me. The latter was usually thought of when I wasn’t getting along with my parents and wanted something new.  I was constantly looking at other people primarily women of a certain age that could have had me. Were they my mom? Who did I look like?

This got me thinking today, what if I really felt like I could unpack my bags? What if I knew I got to stay?

Would I be able to fully participate in a relationship if I knew it didn’t have an expiration? 

I have not been particularly close with my parents. We rarely hug and the L word is hardly used. I mean, I am their daughter and I love them, I just can’t say it. We see them frequently and do things with them.  But when I hear and see about friends relationships with their biological parents, I feel my relationship is not the same. There isn’t the closeness I sense there is for others. Is it about the story I was told? Did I not feel like I belonged with them? Was I always waiting for someone else to come and get me? Did I feel deep down that I wasn’t staying and couldn’t fully commit? 

This also got me thinking about other relationships too. Have I always felt like relationships are temporary? Waiting for them to end because I know it’s coming and I will have to rebuild and start over again. I have always started a relationship fast and furious, yes this is the one! Quickly I become insecure and look at words and actions as triggers, someone getting ready to leave me. Certain phases send me into a spiral quickly.  It wasn’t until I had had a few relationships that I recognized some similarities in my behaviors and how I protected myself. 

My relationship with my son is solid. Is it because I know I will always be his mother? Always. 

Any other relationship in my life is not guaranteed like that. Things change and people leave. 

I have to trust and that’s the hard part. I have to trust that I can stay, so I can open my suitcase show you all my parts and pieces, so we can grow together.