THE MIDDLE SEAT
I was recently on a plane heading to Texas. I was in the middle seat, my sleeping wife on one side and a sleeping stranger on the other. Only thing I had was my phone, thank goodness it had a notepad.
Here’s what I wrote:
I feel like life is like the middle seat on an airplane. Sit up straight and no leaning. Leaning is intrusive on your seat mates. If you are traveling with someone it seems leaning can only be done if you’re invited to do so. “Hey you can put your head on my shoulder if you want”.
Seems like my life is like that. I don’t rely on people unless I have to or invited to do so. I feel like I am always the one that letting myself be relied upon. Yeah resentments set in because of that. Do I wish that I could rely on others more? Let people take care of me? Yes. Do I know how to do that? No.
I have let others take care of me at times. Like when I had cancer, had surgery and went through treatment. I had to, functioning was impossible by the end of chemo. Other than that, for the most part I take care of me, self-sufficient (this auto corrected to succulent, could be true too).
If I wanted to change this self-sufficiency, how would I do this? Asking for help at this point in life seems weak. Seems like it would be weird for me to rely more on people. Seems like I would be letting go of control. What in the world? Giving up my control? Begs the question would I feel more free? Relaxed? I am not very relaxed most of the time.
I was in the dentist chair this week. I was very relaxed, very trapped in the chair with nitrous flowing through my nostrils and a dental dam attached to my mouth. I joked with the assistant that’s why I come here. That is no joke. I feel totally relaxed, just floating. No calories, no hangover. Just easy. I would have made a terrible drug addict. Or maybe a good one. Either way feeling out of control is not my thing.
I don’t like the middle seat. I like something to lean on, give my weight to. Now I just need to do that with people.
Some place to rest my heart.