Looking through a new lens

A few weeks ago, my son asked if I could take care of his kids over spring break.  Scheduling conflicts and work for both him and his ex-wife made it impossible to for the kids to be at either of their houses.  Grandmas to the rescue and 5 days alone with the grandkids without the parents, yes please, I went to my work calendar, even though I am working from home a day off with the kids would be awesome to do something fun.  Nope, not even a day I could take off, others that I am covering for have taken time off for their kid’s spring break.

Ok then, I started making plans for things to do while they were at our house for a week.  I have not spent more than a few hours with them in all of 2020 and prior to that, we had many weekends with them from the ages of 1 and 2 to when they were 8 and 9.  I was a little worried that there would be a “get to know you period”.

These kids know us well and we them, our house was theirs and they acted like it.  They even had a bedroom at our house with bunkbeds with favorite toys and books.

I had missed them so much in the last year and even on those times that the visit was short and we were all wearing masks, I had to hug them and tell them how much I loved and missed them.  Of course, grandma shed a few tears too.

I asked my parents to come over on Monday to hang out with them, as I knew this would be my busiest day.  I knew that they had been missing them a lot as well and since my parents had both been fully vaccinated, it was safe.  Both crafters and my dad was a teacher, they jumped at the idea.  They brought a ton of projects to start with the kids.  My mom taught my granddaughter to crochet and my dad helped my grandson to improve his chess game.  They did art and some teaching of cursive.  When it was time for my lunch break, we dined on delivered pizza from our favorite place.

The first night they wanted me to read them a book, I thought to myself. Really?  They are 10 and 11 and can read very well themselves.  I went along with the request because in all honesty I was honored by them asking, it was just like old times!  The book they want was the Sleep Book by Dr. Suess, a terrible book, by the way, long and drawn out and way too long for a before bed book in my opinion.  They likely chose it because for years they would pick it and watch my eyes roll and pretend to get upset by it.

So here I was, in the bed between two kids, in their pajamas, my granddaughter correcting my reading as we go and my grandson listening to this strange story.  There is nothing better.  I was half way through and could not go any further.  I was tired, this kid stuff was hard work, I promised to read the rest the next night.  I loved so much that that they have these memories with us and still remember being little at our house.  I hope I am reading it to their kids one day.

The rest of the week went along easily and we fell into a groove.  Luckily, I had them each pick a night they were going to cook a meal.  When we first discussed it, it was seen as a chore but when their night came, they were happy and proud of what they had created.  My grandson wanted to roast hotdogs; homemade air fried French fries and cut up strawberries, my granddaughter made sloppy joes and Caesar salad.  

Of course, there were disagreements and meltdowns; I was realistic enough to realize the week would not go without a hitch.  There were negotiations about showers, what was for breakfast.  They aren’t toddlers any more, they have so many more emotions and opinions. The arguments about who was sitting on the couch first and who should move, the “don’t look at me” are always a fun exchanges, you know all the fun sibling spats.  I often can’t understand why this is such a huge life changing event.  I am out of practice for playing the referee.  I can’t say that I was always patient and understanding in the negotiations. In the end they mostly got along well and resolved their own conflicts without my involvement. 

Every night we had dinner at the table and talked.  One of the things I did with my son, when he was young, was sit at the table to talk about the day and with all of our grandkids it has been no different.  I want to hear what they have to say and for them to feel important.  Listening is key to feeling valued.  I have been adamant that they be free to say what they want and to be themselves.  What is said at grandmas stays at grandmas, without judgement, fear of being shut down or their parents finding out. 

We have many toys at our house, not a lot for their age range though.  I would come out from my office (which doubles as their bedroom) and here they were playing with the Duplo Zoo Lego set.  We have had this for at least 7 years.  I remember thinking how expensive it was at the time and would they play with it that much to justify the price. Here they were setting up little villages and with the fences and the animals.  Yes, I would say it was a good investment!

One night walking back from the park, my grandson and I were talking about all the days they had spent with us.  He said “I really miss mommy” and with taking a breath he said “but I have really had fun here with you too” He said it in a way that seemed like he felt bad for having the feeling of missing his mom.  I stopped walking and looked at him, he’s almost as tall as me now, I said “you can have both of those feelings at the same time and not feel bad about either one.  It’s ok.” 

This was something I wish I had been given permission to feel at about the same age, two separate feelings at the same moment and not having to apologize for any of it.  It’s almost as if I am healing a part of my child self when I am helping these kids through theirs.  I wish more than anything that I could have been open and talked to my parents about anything and everything.

On the last morning, their dad called and he was coming a few hours earlier than planned.  I was going to have to say good-bye earlier than expected, which is always hard for me.  I tried not to rush anything, but still needing to get them ready.  I asked them to take showers and start packing their bags.  Grandson started doing it right away and granddaughter gives me some grief and is being mean about it.  These are both behaviors I recognize as coping mechanisms.  My grandson wants to do everything right, be good and not make any waves and my granddaughter takes a different position by being obstinate and defiant.  I was sad too that they were leaving and I could empathize with her. 

While my grandson is in the shower, I see that my granddaughter is playing with the chess pieces silently in pouty way.  My feeling was she was sad about leaving and by being mean it made it easier to leave.  I sat with her, we didn’t talk about her behavior or the things she said to me.  We talked about Queens Gambit and how in the movie she studied chess and became so good she beat everyone.  She listened and asked questions.  Through that interaction, I saw her mood change, I was interested in her well being and she felt it.  We came to a nonverbal understanding and moved through it.  It was amazing.  Her mood improved and I felt better that we weren’t leaving each other on a bad note. 

If I hadn’t of been working so hard on myself for months, I may have continued with my old behavior of getting mad, getting my feelings hurt by the unkind things she was saying and not really seeing her and her feelings.  This only would have made things worse for us.  It took 10 minutes of my day to change how we both were feeling. 

We made a plan for them to come back again and stay the night, this time I would plan a day off to do something fun! 

Thanks for reading as always

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