KEEPING MY FEET IN THE ROOM!
I was meditating this morning as I do most mornings. I usually switch between a silent meditation and a spoken meditation, depending on my mood and concentration level for that day. I have sometimes found that I can be distracted with either type of meditation. Most of the time just sitting for 5-10 minutes is a real luxury and it’s hard to find the time and settle down. Alas, I have managed to do that for 340 days this year. Sometimes it’s at night while I am trying to calm my mind for sleep, but most of the time it’s before work on the weekdays where I have logged most of my meditations.
Today, Christmas Eve, with all that I needed to do, after I made a mad dash to the store at 630 am before the rush and before work, I found 10 minutes to sit in the chair and meditate. One of my favorite people on the Insight timer app is Sarah Blondin. Something about Sarah’s voice and the calm way she speaks is a comfort to me. Today was no different.
I listened to the “When We Must Endure” meditation. Before I knew it, I had tears running down my face as she spoke of the day we are born. I struggled to not get distracted by thinking of other things. I stayed present with her as hard as it was. Still the tears flowed. “Born one thing and becoming another”, more tears, “made the greatest journey from our mother’s womb” she said. Yes, it was a great journey for all of us. Adopted people more in my opinion, as it was known early on most of us were not going to be kept by our families as we grew in the warmth of our mother’s bellies.
This adopted life is a tremendous journey.
This year has been a year of growth for me. I know others do not see it as clearly as I do. Nevertheless, I know I am growing and looking inward and recognizing myself. Being present with myself has been challenging at times, but necessary. I still have a ways to go. Finding the support I have needed to not feel so alone has made it easier. Writing has definitely made it easier as well.
One of the things that started my tears this morning during my meditation was when Sarah said when we are born we are the most vulnerable. I started thinking that yes I was my most vulnerable in those moments of birth and then quickly realized I was on my own. My birthmother wrote to me that she never held me and never looked at me. Here I was, minutes old, needing to fend for myself and shield myself with armor already. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. This has been a lifetime task for me, controlling situations so I would know where I was going. It all starts to make sense.
Anyone who has known me well would likely agree I have protected my heart for many years. I have shielded myself and not let people fully know me my whole life. How can I be present with others if I can’t be present with myself? If I cannot be a friend to myself, how would I be a good friend to others?
I have not made myself vulnerable except for on rare occasions and then sabotaged it to fulfill what I thought would happen anyway. Which means I am always waiting for what I expect to happen, for people to leave, which means that I never give 100% to anyone. Taking the risk, letting down the wall, opening my heart and receiving the love that is there for me, is all new. Keeping both feet inside the room. Instead of one foot out the door.
I have spent many years thinking something is wrong with me. That I am not like anyone else with these feelings and thoughts. Why can’t I let the love in, why can’t I believe it when someone tells me they love me? Why do I want to run away or cover my ears?
I cannot live with my shoulders up around my ears, the shackles on my ankles and the chain link fence around my heart. I must move forward and open up. I think of all the years that I let these habits control me. I want to say it is wasted time but it is not, I believe it has been waiting to come forth, until I could handle and find support for it.
It is time to fully open up. Acknowledge my trauma and be vulnerable. I need this to survive
Thank you for taking the time to read this