GETTING READY FOR A WAVE

I am feeling out of sorts lately. I know for myself there is the feeling of unworthiness, insignificance, and irrelevance just to name a few. I am so busy, too busy. Planning gifts, getting meal ideas, scheduling visits and trying to get everything done. I get a bit resentful. Always trying to be good enough, always trying to make everyone’s world better. Trying to find where I belong and where I fit in all of that is the hardest of all. 

Where is my me time? What am I doing for myself? Are quite often my questions. 

I am the last item on my own list.

I am the fixer. I alone was to make my parents feel as if their world meant something, to be full, to be socially accepted, to be like all of their friends.  To not be childless.

I was the first person brought into the family and I feel like I was their fixer. Make everything better for everyone. Fix my parents problems. Though it was never said outright to me, it was a feeling that I grew up with. My brother, also adopted, he did not have that role, in my mind. He was the baby and so was treated that way his whole life. I was not coddled the way he was. That was not my part in the family make-up. Be tough, take care of things, and make sure nothing falls apart. Words unspoken still carry a lot of weight, especially to children. 

It is my feeling that I was with new my family to be the fixer, so why wouldn’t I continue that throughout my life. Never letting down my guard, making sure all was being taken care of and most of all not letting anyone close enough to hurt me. I was the one person that could make my family complete, whole and right.  “Let’s adopt a baby that will fix everything”.  That is a lot of pressure for one person to take on.  Even a baby, more so a baby.

I feel like this is my story.

I am agitated about this today. I often have to restrain myself to not try to fix everything, to be a good listener and be patient. If someone needs me to do something, I need to wait until they ask. This is very exhausting for me to not pay attention to everything because it is not my nature. I want to jump in and take over; it is ok some of the time but not always. 

Feeling as though I must be the fixer seems to me the same as having brown eyes or size 8 feet, just another trait. However, I want to be seen and necessary, these things collide in me, where is that fine line? 

There are so many holes to fill, where do we start? I don’t want to just fill a need or check a box anymore. I want to have a presence. I want to be noticed and remembered. I want to matter. 

I am important and I am valuable. I am not my parents remedy. 

Thanks as always for reading.