FINDING MY BALANCE

I love to eat, though I do not always eat what is good for me. I went to Trader Joe's last night to get a ham for Thanksgiving. Determined to pass by the salted dark chocolate cover almonds and the dark chocolate peanut butter cups, I went right to a bag of cheap chocolate chip cookies that are just a little bit larger than a quarter each. I felt I deserved them; I had been disciplined all day with my eating and thought I should have these. I didn’t even try to reason it out, it was $2.99, organic they said, and in my basket.

The little bit I tasted while I inhaled them, were good. By the time I got to the library and home, about a 20-minute drive, I had demolished the bag. I am scared to see how many are left in the bag today; it would be safe to say I ate 80% of the bag.  I only stopped eating because I wanted a few left for today. This story is totally ridiculous to me now, but at the store and on the way home there was no talking myself out of it. 

I did not feel particularly anxious about anything and I had a calm day at work. There seems no reason for me to gorge on a bag of cookies. Or is there?

I have an addiction to food, I love food and I love everything having to do with food. Shopping for it, making it and eating it.  I wish I had more time to devote to cooking because I love to make yummy nutritious things. 

I have a thing that I have to finish a bag or container of things, I hate half bags of chips or crackers so I always feel the need to finish everything. This has not boded well for my weight. It’s amazing we have two half bags of chips on our counter right now and they are not appealing at all. Sometimes I can reason with myself that I won’t feel good after I eat the thing I want and that stops me. Sometimes I realize that I can’t have two things and try to eat the lesser of the two evils.  That doesn’t always work either.

Food is my only vice ( ok maybe coffee too), I love beer but to over indulge on it doesn’t appeal to me anymore. It used to years ago, but I think more for attention and blocking out that I was gay more than anything. I know my limits with drinking. I don’t have drinks that taste like juice, because I will drink too many.  I am not a wine drinker at all; and I hate hangovers and that awful sick feeling the next day.  I hate feeling out of control, and alcohol does that.  I mostly stick to a two-beer limit and only drink socially. 

I used to smoke many years ago as well and after several try’s at quitting I was able to be successful. It was challenging for many years. I also got pregnant so that helped, nothing like a little incentive growing inside of you to stop doing something bad for both of you. The only thing I had left was to eat. I told myself I could eat more and over nine months gained a whopping 60 pounds. 

Food is my drug. It makes me feel good to eat; it is something I can control when other things in life seem out of control. However, if I eat crappy food, like the cookies, I always feel crappy. I now have a no eating after 6pm policy most of the time, because I my stomach hurts if I eat to close to going to bed and my sleep gets disrupted. It is a strange conundrum. Not enough sleep causes me anxiety, eat too much because of anxiety, feel terrible because I eat too much and cannot get a good night’s sleep. 

I have spent 1000’s of dollars on programs to help me lose weight and teach me how to eat. I now have gained the weight back twice and I hate how I feel. I try not to beat myself up about it and try every time to eat with some forethought. Planning my food. Eating vegetables for 60% of my food, eating enough protein and not eating sugar. There is so much to remember, eat this don't eat that, have this supplement for that ailment.  Of course there is getting enough exercise in there too! 

I think I am getting closer to getting controlling my eating, but then one stressful event can send me digging through the pantry. Trying to fill the void, fill the need. It’s unexplainable. Why do I want to hurt myself? Some people self-harm by cutting, or drinking or getting high and many other destructive behaviors. None of that appeals to me.  Food is legal, eating is socially acceptable and it is something we all need to do. 

So why is it so hard for me to take care of myself and do right by my body?

Thanks as always for reading!