5 seconds
The day I was born was the day I lost everything comfortable to me, her voice and a warm place to live. This was the day we ended as a “we” and started as an “I” after being together 9 months. It was also the day that I realized everything in life was conditional. Love, affection, attention. I needed to be good, to be quiet, and to fit in. whether this was true or not this was how it felt.
This was also the day I learned that love = leaving
It took 5 seconds for this transition. Maybe less. I do not know for sure, as I will never know the details of my birth. Facts and history that have been deemed not important for me to know so nothing was recorded.
She moved on, “we” parted company and she went on to live her life as if nothing had happened or so it would seem. She told me in a letter, years later, she always loved me. This was love and I read that when I was 37.
Some might argue that babies don’t know. They do know! And they feel and they understand separation. It stays with them until it is safe to face it. Many adoptees realize it later in life, in my case 55.
The day I was born started my attempt to survive. I didn’t have the loving arms that babies should have to hold them. Maybe I was moved to foster care the next day, maybe not. I don’t know and that is the tragedy. I was forced to figure it out at mire hours old, who could I trust who, would care for me? This would be the theme of my life. My parents said I cried a lot after they got me, not to be comforted by anything they said or did. What I did have was a family where I could live and they would provide.
For years, when someone would offhandedly ask if I was ready, I would say “I was born ready” This is true. I came into this world a fighter, a survivor, fighting for me, for my life. I was born to figure things out, find my way, find the why and the what for. It’s my nature and I was born to it.
I have been conditioned not to be left behind but to stay ahead of the game. This at times has not served me well, “You won’t leave me, because I am leaving first” or “I don’t need you, I can do this on my own”
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized what I was feeling was grief and trauma; these presented themselves as anger, silence, anxiety and sadness.
I was grieving my first mom, something I had never allowed myself to feel or talk about. I only wish she would have lived longer for us to figure this out together or at least have some closure.
I am putting all the pieces together, finally, working on what troubles me. My adoption and the separation is my trauma comes from and the secrecy of it all. I can wish all I want for it to be different and it won’t be.
The best I can do it work through it and take the lessons
Thanks for reading,
Follow me on Instagram at theinvisiblethreads or LGBTQ adoptees