ACCEPTANCE

I met someone this past weekend that had been sort of a myth in my mind for 20 years.  I finally met my birth father.  I was fearful that this meeting would never happen. That either he or I would die before it could.

Exactly six months from the day that I committed to sending him a letter and making contact with him, we had dinner. Black Angus to be exact!

My sister, his other daughter, born 3 months after me, also adopted out at birth, flew in for the visit from Texas. Something we said we would do together. My wife went with as support and another pair of ears to listen to the conversation. I was happy to have these two with me. I was much less nervous with them there and if there were silent moments, someone could fill in the conversation and I wouldn’t have to do all the talking and asking questions.

We arrived early at the restaurant and ordered drinks.  Getting ready for who knew what.  All of us anxious as to what he and his wife would be like and how the evening would be. We had an idea of what he looked like, but really, none of us knew for sure. Starring at the door watching for a tall, bald man and a short gray-haired woman, we waited. 

When he arrived, he brought pink roses and white alstroemeria for each of us, a very thoughtful gesture. They said they had both thought to bring flowers. This told me this meant as much to them as it did to us. He had his camera around his neck, announced that it had a new roll of film and he had practiced taking pictures at home before coming. He was nervous we could tell. Constant talking and cracking jokes. He has a personality that is larger than life and his stature measures the same. Too bad, I did not get any of that height as my sister did, but we both have that sense of humor. 

For two solid hours, we talked. The nerves wore off after a while and we could enjoy each other’s company. Eating and talking like old friends. There was so much, her birth mother, my birth mother, his parents, his brother, his childhood, everything. In my mind, he held the stories of our birth mothers. We wanted details of the relationships they couldn’t or wouldn’t share. They wanted to know about our lives as well. What our family makeup is and how our childhood was. His wife interjecting jokes and comments throughout. She was very excited as well; she talked about their kids, what they are like and some recent stories. They talked about their daughter recently making a surprise trip from the mid-west to for his birthday, and how their son picked her up at the airport. 

His wife had brought pictures in frames to show us, they looked as if she had taken them off their wall at home.  I am thankful for her support and understanding.  This is a lot for all of us.

At the end of the dinner, he looked at my wife and acknowledged her as his daughter in law. That meant a lot to me because in the short amount of time that he knew me, he accepted my wife, our marriage and me. That was something I had not anticipated.

I am not sure what he was expecting from us, but I think he was pleasantly surprised. My sister and I have a connection; he saw that and seemed happy that we had found each other. He even spoke of taking a trip to Texas to see her!

They were honest about how their kids might feel about us. They don’t know yet. I think they had held off telling them to see how this night would go. I understand, it’s a lot to process.

If he was looking to be demonized, he did not get that. I am not out to criticize anyone. Yes, there are things along the way that could have been done differently. The 60’s were a different time for all of us. That is not mine to judge. He is a good man, I believe, I cannot change the past; I can only work to improve my future. 

Meeting him has been on my mind for 20 years and this was the year I was going to do something about it. He thanked me many times for taking the first step. I am sure he doesn’t know how anxious and nervous I was about all of it.  I do believe he is genuinely happy he has three more additions to his family. 

When you are born into your biological family, it’s taken for granted when they are right there every day. You know your sisters, your brothers and your parents that made you. I had to do DNA testing to find my blood. I will never meet my birth-mother, that ship has sailed. I regret that I never met her, that I didn’t take action to change that path. I told him I didn’t want that to happen to us. If nothing more happens, I have met him and heard his voice. 

I am not certain what our future holds, but I can say this for sure, I have no regrets so far.