A DISSIPATING FART IS LIKE HEALING FROM SHAME

It affects me all the time in the strangest of moments. I’ll feel bad about something I said or did and feel shame. It makes me mad. I feel like a kid again that did the wrong thing and is seeking approval.  

I often wonder if it was my beginning that that was full of shame starting from conception and on into my adoptive family. I was surrounded in their shame. It’s a part of me I have a hard time shedding, wanting to do right and be right, but who says I am not? ME!  the inner shame from something that was not mine to begin with stops me. Sometimes I am really stuck by it. Immobilized really.  

What if I didn’t allow it, could I?  

What if I just liked myself? 

What if I could not carry the shame from all of the people I took it from? Were they without it because I took it? I think not.  I think everyone still had their own shame they live with.

This shame I talk about wasn’t mine, it was all of theirs, they gave it to me and I picked it up as if it were mine. I don’t want this shame that was given to me. 

In the past, the shame would make me quiet and angry, all targeted at myself. Nobody really knew what was going on in me. I knew I was a good person but I would beat myself up over the smallest of things. It would really mess up my whole day or night; there were many sleepless nights feeling ashamed and worrying about what I had said or done.

A friend asked what I do with it? How I get past it? I said that I don’t, ever, it dissipates like a stinky fart into the air.  Then another situation comes and there it is again. The shameful times last years, some only hours. Sometimes I can forget them, others not so much.

The slowing down of life has helped with this, not having so much minutia to deal with. Being able to look at things and see more clearly, where and when this comes up. Identifying it and naming it.  Letting it fly and watching it go into the air, not mine to hold. It’s a beautiful thing to get so quiet that I can hear and see myself. 

I wonder how I can keep this quiet going as I can see it is good for my exploration. 

I feel like its time to send it off, release the judgment of me and let go of the shame. 

Let go of what is not serving me

As always, thank you for reading,